i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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