I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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