I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
