So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
