4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
