If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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