She is in my trunk
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
what day is it and did you see me today?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
