I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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