if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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