Don't make out with my wife yet
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Dicks are not precious.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
