im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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