Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize