just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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