didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
