I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
