I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
we're so committed to being not committed
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
