I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
