A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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