Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
