broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize