I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Randomize
