you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
