if you like me you must not know who I am
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
