I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
