I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
