party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
