She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
