I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize