I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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