i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
