There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There's always time for handjobs
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
