I can text with my tongue
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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