there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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