Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
