You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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