ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
