Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
