why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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