you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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