Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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