I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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