did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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