I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize