I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
