those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
