My hand turned me down
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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