Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
