We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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