worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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