So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
