mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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