I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
