He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
