Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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