are you so shy because you have an std?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
