my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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