This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize