Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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