sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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