I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize