I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
