Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize