Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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