I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
