and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
