Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Are you in a cab?

(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?

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(727): View more from Florida

let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this

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(631): View more from New York

His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.

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(325): View more from Texas

Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.

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