if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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