omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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