Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need water and some morals
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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