I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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