Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
