K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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