Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
